July 1st 2009

It's Canada Day today but I didn't do anything to celebrate. I really don't like crowds so I stayed home and enjoyed watching all the people walk by, except when I went up to London Drugs to get photo paper. It was so quiet, hardly any traffic. I spent the morning printing off photos for a friend who bought them from me. I ran out of paper and while I was at London Drugs I asked the salesperson if he could show me how to put photos onto my memory card from my laptop so I could print the photos on my PhotoSmart printer. It was very quiet so he agreed to show me. I am so pleased that I can now print the scanned photos from my old film camera on the PhotoSmart. They are much better quality than my 3 in 1 Epson printer. It's always exciting to learn something new. Anyway, that all took all day (I had to stop for sushi and a latte') so I didn't have time to paint or sew. Everything seems to take so much time. It is such a complement and very affirming to my work to have someone buy my photos and photo cards.

I am feeling more content with my life in the past couple of months than I ever have before. Finally, I feel I am more accepting of where and who I am. I wrote a poem about this in August 2002, it is called:

MAYBE I AM.

One day I decided
To wipe out my face
To become NOBODY

A decision made
From unbearable
Pain

I want to be
Someone else

Walk out of my life
Leave it all behind

Start over
As someone else

Disillusioned, disappointed
Stripped of all dignity

I belong
NOWHERE

Being a woman
Getting old
DISPENSABLE

BUT

Wiping out my face
Has not been so easy

BECAUSE

Maybe who I AM
Is not who I have become

Maybe I AM
Just living the wrong life

Maybe I AM
Carefree and adventurous

Maybe I AM
Beautiful and brave

Maybe I AM
Strong and powerful

Maybe I AM
Playful and funny
Beneath the pain
That colours my life grey

The shroud
Of the past

That distorts
Who I AM

Makes me believe
I am
Who I have become

Maybe I can
Rub out the face

Of who
I have become

Keep my
Original face

AND

Just be
WHO I AM

I didn't realize until just now that this poem fits in with the July theme of SELF with Creative Every Day. Sometimes it's good to read old writings to realize how far we have come in terms of healing and growth.