Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Another 30 degree day. It's 10 o'clock at night and still 25 degrees. Everyone is miserable, I'm just too tired to do anything. I tried a couple of things today but it's just not there. It's supposed to stay this way until at least Monday. So that's it for today!

Monday, July 27, 2009

It is so hot here right now it just drains my energy. We are not used to 30 degree plus weather in the rainforests of the Pacific Northwest.

I finished writing the newsletter today and that's about it.

Some of the points that stood out for me in Week 2 of The Artist's Way are:

CRAZYMAKERS: I've had some in my life and been one. Probably still am one at times. I have become fairly good at disengaging from crazymakers even if it takes time sometimes.

ATTENTION: I'm really good at the "addiction to fantasy", living in my head and thinking about doing things rather than actually doing them. My favorite trick is to buy all the supplies and books and then not actually do the projects. YES, IT TAKES ATTENTION AND SOMETIMES MY ATTENTIONS SPAN CAN BE VERY SHORT!

I had a long conversation with my daughter last night about paying attention to the small things. She asked me how to find meaning in life. Creating a happy life is about finding joy in the small things. The big things are great - trips to Mexico, concerts, etc., but they only come by once in a while and life happens every day, we can't wait around for the big things to make us happy - as JC says. I believe I said something like this in an earlier post.

Those are the main points that I got from Week 2. Again, I haven't done the exercises, I have done my morning pages every day but one and my Artist's Date was buying my faeries. My artist is very happy with them.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What a strange evening we've had here. From about 6pm their were rumblings of thunder and then about seven o'clock it got closer and the rain came. The lightening was flashing in the sky continuously for two and half hours. At ten o-clock the Symphony Of Fire started and there was fireworks going off and the lightening was still lighting the sky and the thunder rumbling. Pretty impressive sight.

The pictures are the sunset with the storm rolling in. The pictures don't do it justice, of course. The sky was different shades of bright orange for the longest time and of course that was reflected in the water. Isn't nature amazing?
The Symphony Of Fire is an annual fireworks display held at English Bay and is a contest betwen three countries, held on two Wednesdays and two Saturdays. The last Saturday is the finale when all three countries combine their display. I can see some of it from my apartment, so I don't go down to see them. The fireworks are set off to pieces of music, hence the name.
I painted some more backgrounds in my art journal today, with watercolours. It's a while since I've used watercolours and I am enjoying the way they spread on wet paper. I also enjoy the delicacy of the colours.
I also hung my faeries over my desk and a couple of people dropped in today and said they loved them. I took them over to show my neighbour this morning (the one who is moving away). I thought she would laugh but she loved them. I guess there is a little child in all of us who loves dainty, beautiful things.
I wrote some more in the newsletter and hope to have it finished tomorrow.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Tranquility sighs
A breath of air flows gently
Carressing the earth

I had a busy day to day. I went to the library to pick up Garden Spells and Sugar Queen reccommended by Rose. I look forward to reading them. As I was waiting for the bus, I looked in the window of a hat shop and there was beautiful faerie. I had to go in and ask about it and there were several more different ones. My artist was mezmerized by the colours, textures and delicacy of them. She wanted them - not just one, of course. I looked them over carefully, chose three and handed over my bank card. I could not say no to her. They will inspire me with my crazy quilting and painting. I must admit, I love them too so saying yes wasn't too difficult.

I got home just in time to go to an exercise class which was a lot of fun, lots of laughs and then played table tennis for the first time in over fifty years - also lots of laughs because none of us has played for a long time. I visited with two or three neighbours, wrote some of the newsletter and was going to paint a few more backgrounds for the Decorated Journal but ran out of steam. I'll save that for tomorrow.

It's been very hot here and we're not used to it so it makes me very tired and i have been having a little power nap in the middle of the day, but it is lovely as we've had two rainy cloudy summers.

I missed doing my morning pages this morning, I usually do them in bed but I had a good sleep so got up early and headed for the computer - big mistake. So, I will get to it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day. Look forward to putting up my faeries and painting.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

July 22nd 2009

I woke up grumpy this morning, my morning pages were lots of grumbling and literally writing blah! blah! blah! Feeling negative about everything, mainly the fact that I'm not creating much. Then I picked up the AW and right there on the first page of Week 2 - Recovering a Sense of Identity - JC says: "We may feel - and look - erratic. This erraticism is a normal part of getting unstuck, pulling free from the muck that has blocked us. It is important to remember that at first flush, going sane feels just like going crazy. There is a recognizable ebb and flow to the process of recovering our creative selves. As we gain strength, so will some of the attacks of self-doubt. This is normal, and we can deal with these stronger attacks when we see them as symptoms of recovery. These attacks are groundless, but very convincing to ourselves. Buying into them ENABLES US TO REMAIN STUCK AND VICTIMIZED. "

I immediately felt better and very clear about what is going on with me. My post yeterday was the first time I have been as clear and succinct about how I got into the place I have been for so long and why I am still struggling to free my artist self. I went to an art therapist for about three years and during that time I did these two paintings at home:

I never did finish them but they are far enough along to see what they represent. The one on the left is me wandering lost, with no identity. The one on the right I didn't really understand, it quite shocked me. There is blood and tears on the right and blood running down the sword. This is the rough one I did:

I now realize that the sword and the tearless eye on the left is the part of me that is protecting me against anymore pain. My knight in shining armour. That all along my Censor has not been my enemy but my protector. Put there by my inner artist child.

At the time of my art therapy I painted a lot of pictures with a line down the middle and talked about a guard being there only allowing certain things in or out. At the time this didn't make sense to me but now I understand that I was protecting myself. As JC says: "Most of the time when we are blocked......it is because we feel safer that way."

How clever our psychy is. My inner knight was protecting me until I was healed enough for it to be safe to come out again. There has been an ebb and flow to my coming out, I would paticipate in something for a while, be friends with someone for a while and run back into hiding. If I felt someone getting too close or seeming like they were being too controlling, or disrespecting me in some way - off I would go and isolate myself and cut them off. I was on the verge of doing that with my blog because I was being too open and revealing and monitoring the responses I was getting to my comments and blogs and preparing to run into hiding again. Now I understand what I have been doing, I feel like I have been freed from a lot of the confusion and frustration I have been feeling for so many years. It would have helped if someone could have explained to me what I was doing and that it was a good thing, not a bad thing ( although I may not have been able to hear what they were saying). I even did an art jounal entry about a knight in shining armour and the whole king arthur story at the same time I did a workshop about swords and actually got to hold some different swords. It was a very powerful feeling to hold them.

I was hiding because I felt that everything about me had been rejected, so I rejected myself. It has been a long journey trying to pick up some of the pieces of myself and reclaim them. There is still a ways to go yet. When you get broken inside it's very difficult to heal. It's such a desolate feeling to feel like something is broken inside and not know how to make it better. Despair is the word. There really is such a thing as a broken heart.

Hopefully, now, instead of fighting with the part of me that is calling down my art (I am just doing it first so no one else can do it to me, I already know it's corny, stupid bad art) I can see it as a protection mechanism. I learned this defense mechanism very young. I had forgotten all about that one. And instead of being angry and frustrated with myself when I shut down/run and hide, I can be gentle and undertanding with myself. This blog is really going deep.

I realize now that this is the same thing Mel was saying in her story about her demons. Our Censors or Demons are not bad they are protecting us from being hurt, albiet in a very cruel and unkind way.

The sketch I did of the sword picture is so clear to me now. Although I was wounded and in pain - the blood and the tears - the other half of me was strong and half of my heart was not broken.

So glad I decided to do the AW again and with the blog, it makes a difference to believe you are writing and might be heard.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

July 21 2009

As I have said, I bought the AW and worked through it sixteen years ago. I bought it on August 2, 1993 when I was visiting my Mom in White Rock. I was on vacation and what I jokingly called my Vision Quest - the first time I had gone on a driving vacation by myself. (Don't ever joke around about a Vision Quest). After I left my Mom's my plan was to visit my cousin on Quadra Island and then to my daughter's in Vancouver and back to my Mom's. Everything went according to plan but I never saw my Mom alive again. I found her dead in her apartment at 2am in the morning - after I had called her and got no answer, I drove from Vancouver to White Rock to see if she was okay. That was on August 11, 1993. My Mom's death was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it. It's a very long story but the gist is that where I worked, a new Director started at this time and she and I didn't see eye to eye. Six months later, in a state of complete exhaustion and emotional distress, I resigned from my position. My integrity was as stake. There was a lot more to it, involving the Women's Shelter where I had worked for six years prior to this position and where I was told I was admired and was a mentor to some of the other women, gave 150 percent, etc., etc.,. As they were involved in my position, I asked for their support, and because they were busy covering their butts they did not support me in any visible way, only behind closed doors. Needless to say I was devastated by what felt like a betrayal. I hate talking about this stuff because it is truly over and done with now but for many years after, I was broken by it. The reason I am telling this is because it is part of why my artist child is afraid to be visible and why I have a hard time believing people when they say positive things about me and my work.

I had spent nine years, since my separation/divorce from my husband of twenty-two years, rebuilding my life from being a wife/mother to earning a degree in social work. I was finding my voice for the first time in my life and finding my way in the professional world of employment. I didn't understand workplace politics and was not equipped to deal with them and I naively thought that women would support each other and believed the feminine principle that everyone was equal and working in teh field I was in that there would be understanding and support.

I was also emotionally exhausted from dealing with my granddaughter having leukemia, losing my dad, almost dying from spinal meningitis, etc., etc., and just picking myself up and moving on. It finally caught up with me with my Mom's death and my job problems at the same time and my brother telling me three days after my Mom's death that he was sick of hearing my name.

And now on to safety. I hadn't realized it, but as long as my Mom was alive I felt safe. She was my safe person, she kept us safe from my dad who was a very angry man. He mellowed out when he got older but was very scarey when we were young. He didn't hit us but there was always tension in our home and we walked on eggshells afraid of setting him off. I felt as long as my Mom was there I had somewhere to go if something bad happened to me. Then something bad happened and she wasn't there anymore. (I was 53 at the time but your Mom is always your Mom).

So, finding my voice meant my husband left, finding my voice meant I had to leave my job, finding my voice meant my Mom and Dad moved away after we moved back to Canada from England (another story). So along with some other stuff my voice became a very scarey thing to use.

So, as JC says, most of the time when we are blocked in an area of our life, it is because we feel safer that way. I have been and am still somewhat blocked because my voice is a dangerous thing. I have been and am still somewhat blocked because I needed to be, I had to protect myself. I felt I had been rejected by the world, that nothing that I did was worth anything and so what was the point in doing anything any more. I was so full of pain, I couldn't face being rejected or hurt one more time.

Although I felt something inside of me broke - like a wild horse is broken - and didn't know how to fix it, there was a part of me that was so determined to find myself and know who I AM before I left this world, that I kept trying and fighting to find something in me that I could hold onto (or something out there that I could hold on to). In my life there has never been anyone who believed in me or championed me or recognized anything special in me and so that has been a difficult thing for me to find.

My demons were not people who put me down or told me my art was no good, that I would never be an artist, there was just never any support for it. INDIFFERENCE! And indifference is how I have come to feel about my accomplishments, my art, my life.

Again, going back to safety, after my Mom's death and leaving my job, I was so burned out that I couldn't work any more. Consequently, I had to sell my house and eventually lost pretty much everything. Losing control of your life really teaches you that there is no such thing as safety and life can change in an instant and that other people have the power to take your life away from you, so all you can do is live every day as best you can and find joy in small things.

Art is your voice, expressing your soul, so it really is necessary to feel safe in exposing it. It makes you vulnerable, because when your art is criticized your core, your soul-self is being criticized.

So, a really long post today, but I had to get that out. When I did the Artist's Way starting on August 2nd, 1993, I was at the beginning of my "Vision Quest" that well and truly turned out to be a VQ. Now sixteen years later, for the first time, I really feel like I have come out the other side of a very long, dark, hellish tunnel.

My blog is a place to have a voice and I feel some sense of safety here. If you have read this far, thanks for caring.

Monday, July 20, 2009

July 20 2009

This is a journal page that I did today realting to the Artist's Way. It's about recovering a sense of safety and taking care of my inner child artist. The picture is of me when I was about three years old. I am holding two kittens. Innocence and probably still living in the flow. It's also about getting in touch with that child and learning to play. I was fussing around and getting tense about what to do next and then stopped and thought, "this is about playing!" So I approached it from a sense of play and finished it within a few minutes. There are tags on the side that spell out PLAY. The word covered by the ribbon is protect. The other words are: Take A Chance, Celebrate Life, Dream, Live, Inspire, Seize The Day and Imagine.

I want to write about my creative monster but I am tired so I will do it tomorrow. I woke up at 4:20 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so it's been a long day.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

July 19th 2009

I finally got signed up for The Artist's Way and then I signed up for The Decorated Page. I have the book already so I thought I may as well and I can combine the two. Hope I haven't taken on too much but I will give it a try.

I read up to the first week today in the Artist's Way and it reminded of so many things I need to remember about our creative spirit. I am reading it in a different way than I did sixteen years ago. I started on August 2nd, 1993 the first time I did it at the beginning of what I called my Vision Quest. The first time I did it I juggled around with God, Great Creator, Universe, this time I am more comfortable with Flow it is the Creative Energy that I sometimes feel myself in. I have written some poetry that was effortless, several pages at a time and it just flowed through me, needed no thought and no correction. It was an amazing feeling. It would be wonderful to connect to that more often.

I really like Julia Cameron's statement, "I have come to believe that creativity is our true nature, that blocks are an unnatural thwarting of a process at once as normal and as miraculous as the blossoming of a flower at the end of a slender green stem." Such a beautiful, visual analogy. I also like "we are creative beings, our lives become our work of art," and "we hunger for what might be called creative living." I will post these quotes around my home.

I also like what she says about the Censor - "we feel we never do enough and what we do isn't righ. We are victims of our own internalized perfectionist, a nasty internal and eternal critic, the Censor, who resides in our (left) brain and keeps up a constant stream of subversive remarks that are often diguised as the truth."

As a result of reading the beginning of the AW and the Decorated Page this morning, I decided I need to begin looking at the world in a different way. You have probably gathered that the city is not where I would live given a choice. I feel like I am starving to death sometimes because of the lack of nature and being surrounded by noise, concrete and glass. So, as I was saying, I need to look at the city in a different way and with this in mind I documented some things with my camera through out the day.

I sat on my patio to eat my breakfast this morning with my lodger Jasmine by my side. Suddenly, there was a ruckus of crows squaking , I got up to look and there were two crows that looked like either a mother and baby or two babies squawking over a muscle. What a carry-on!

There are also a lot of dogs going by and I loved this guy trotting along carrying his toy. It dropped it every now and again, played with it, picked it up and carried on. Dogs and cats are such a good example of living in the flow and I love to watch the dogs play at the dog park. They are so free and full of joy.

I went downtown to buy some new sheets and had to take a picture of the sign outside of the Candy Isle, it always makes me smile.

And and the close of day a picture of the sunset. Not very spectacular tonight but all of them are beautiful. The reflections in the water are always move me. Even though there is no plowman or lowing herd, the sunset makes me think of Gray's Elegy:

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day

The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea

The plowman homeward plods his weary way

And leaves the world to darkness and to me

A final quote from JC: "Our focused attention is critical to filling th well. We need to encounter our life experiences, not ignore them. Many of us read compulsively to screen our awareness. On a crowded (interesting train), (or bus in my case) we train our attention on a newspaper (book, in my case), losing the sights and sounds around us -- all images for the well." So, I have decided to read less on the bus. I would love to take photos of people on the bus, some of them are so interesting.

I have been getting up earlier in the mornings - seven or eight instead of eleven or twelve - and that is proving to be much better for me in terms of getting things done. This was done naturally not because I decided to. Lots of positive changes, moving forward to an alignment with the kind of life I would like to live - a creative life.

Another change that has occurred is a shift in consciousness. After we had our yard sales last weekend we put all the leftover items in a hallway leading to the locker room, within 24 hours most of it had been stolen. Normally, I would have been very angry and resentful of this and had a difficult time letting go of it but I realized when different people were being targeted as the ones who stole the stuff, I realized that it didn't matter who had taken it, it was gone and we had to move on.

Among the things that were stolen was a set of miniatur paintings that someone had bought and I had neglected to put in her bag. I felt really bad about it and was very pleased when she found me and I left a message telling her I we could arrange to meet and I would give them to her. I went to get them and that was when I discovered the theft. She came yesterday to get them and I had to tell her they had been stolen. She said, "I don't believe you." I tried to explain and apologized several times, she was very angry and said she just wanted her paintings. I gave her one of my photo cards with an apology and we returned almost all of the money she spent of several items. She was only charged $3 for the pics and we gave her $15. Normally, I would have got angry and said something nasty back to her and probably not given her the card and money but for some reason, I didn't get angry. I was a little hurt that she had basically accused me of being a liar and a theif but soon got past it and realized that she must be a very unhappy person. She had been in Calgary all week visiting her Grandmother so may the Grandmother was ill. Anyway, the point is that I seem to have reached a place where I can see things from a different perspective and this makes me very happy. I don't need to been angry and everyone and everything and carry resentment for days and weeks over small hurts. It's the kind of person I want to be. It feels good!

Saturday, July 18, 2009


July 18th 2009
I spent the better part of the day going to pick up a love seat from my daughter. She has no room for it so I have acquired it. I t has a chaise lounge as well and is very nice, just the right size for my small place. I bought a sofa from Ikea just before Christmas and had to return because the smell from the polyeurethane foam was so strong I couldn't stand it. I have been nervous about buying another one so a used one suits me just fine.
Thank you Bev, Mary Ellen, Hybrid J, Rose and Mel for reassuring me that what I say on my blog isn't depressing. Why is it so hard for me to believe what you say? Because I have spent so many years of my life not having a voice and not being heard that it is hard to believe that I'm not just being a pain. So, thank you, I believe you!
I have started so many projects now that I am getting confused and don't know which one to do, so I am making a list and am going to do them one by one. It is so satisfying to finish a project.
I have signed up for the Artist's Way book club but have heard nothing. I tried to get into the site but a window comes up saying I have to be approved before I am allowed in. It has been a few days now and I have heard nothing, so I don't know what is happening. Just have to wait and see.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Chloe Elizabeth my Great Granddaughter
she makes me smile!
July 16th 2009
Did a little sewing tonight but most of my day was taken up with lunch with my youngest daughter (it was so lovely to spend time with her) and I had to do some grocery shopping. I ran ourt of food so it was a necessity. I went to a particular mall because I had to pick up my transparency film, ordered from DickBlick, at the post office. I got home and realized after half an hour that I had forgotten to go to the post office. Changed my clothes again and off I went. Anyway, I got my parcel so now I can do transfers onto fabric and paper.
I have been getting way too serious on my blog lately, I started it as a way to share my art and connect with other artists, so I am going to try to keep things more art related and light.
Actually, since I started blogging I am a much happier person so thanks to all of you who share your lives and art and thoughts with me it means a lot.

July 16th 2009

Another lovely giveaway at:

http://judithbdesigns.blogspot.com/ go to her Monday, July 13th posting. Check it out, this lady is very talented. The piece is called "Luna".
July 16th 2009

If you would like to enter a lovely Chelsea Rose give-away go to http://www.studiomme.blogspot.com/2009/07/blog-post.html#links. Very cute and quirky art.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

July 14th 2009

I had a very busy and productive day today. I picked some hydrangea blossoms and put in them in some books for pressing. Took some photos of them and some lillies that one of the men in our apartment building grows and cross-pollinates. I started writing the newsletter for the apartment and made some posters. I got up at just after seven this morning and what a difference it makes to the day. I actually woke up at 5:30 and tried to go back to sleep but no luck. In a way I am glad that I didn't because I had such a good day.

July 14th 2009
The past few days I have been feeling like I couldn't put two sentences together and didn't have anything to say. This morning I woke up feeling better, went to put on some music and thought of "The Song Of Bernadette" by Aaron Neville. I first heard this song at Music On The Beach at English Bay, put on by a lovely man called Brock Tully every monday evening from June to September. I was so touched by the song I have played it over and over and find it so healing and tender. This morning on YouTube I found a video by an amateur that I like better. It's called: The Song Of Bernadette sonnenberg. I tried to figure out how to put the video on my blog but it's a bit beyond me at the moment. It is also sung by Leonard Cohen and Jennifer Warrens. Please listen to this as my gift to you today. It is a beautiful song of unconditional love.

On Saturday we held a yard sale to raise funds for our social club and were very successful. When we were done we stored all the remaining stuff in a corridor near the storage lockers. Between 5pm on Saturday and 3pm on Sunday, someone went in and stole most of it. I feel so sad that someone would do something with such intentional vindictiveness, when the proceeds were going to benefit everyone who lives here. Ah well, it takes all kinds I guess and they must have felt they needed more than everyone else.

I have been processing the feelings I have around my creativity and because it has seemed like it was all I had to hold onto the past few years, there is a feeling of desperation about it. Because of my age, I feel like I don't have a lot of years left to learn the skills I need and because it has felt like it is all I have left to hold on to, I have to do it. It often feels like I'm driven and have to do it and sometimes it feels like a monkey on my back instead of something joyful and relaxing. I really want to let go of this feeling of desperation and understand at that deeper level that it is not the only thing I have to hold on to. I think having lost my life as I knew it came with such an overwhelming feeling of being out of control that I had to have some part of me that was still there. It was like I disappeared and could no longer see myself and if I could just hold onto the artist part of myself I wouldn't disappear altogether.

There is another level that holds me back from expressing myself artisitically and that is the fear of showing who I am. That deep level of the fear of rejection that most of us have and the shame of exposing ourselves because our art is really a soul expression, exposing the deepest part of ourselves and a rejection of that can be devastating.

I have always been very good at copying things. When I was about twelve years old I decided to copy the inside cover of our encyclopedia. It was a picture of a group of men sitting around, doing something intellectual, I guess (no women there) - I don't remember it very clearly, however, I asked my Dad how to block it off and asked for permission to block off the picture in the encyclopedia (by blocking off, I mean drawing squares on the picture and then on the paper I was drawing on). I was very proud of how well I had drawn this picture and then wanted to paint it but didn't know how to paint. I asked my Day (he was an artist) but didn't really get an answer and got no help. It was drawn on poster board and so when I went to paint it with a watercolor paint box it got messed up. I was so disappointed. Anyway, the point is I was copying back then, copied cartoons and things and copied out of a book my parents bought called "It's Fun To Draw". It was about ten years ago when I got tired of copying and wanted to express myself in my art and that is when the difficulty started. What is there in me that wants to be expressed? Is what comes from within me just rubbish? Do I dare expose my innermost feelings and who I really am? I look at the beautiful, funky, wonderful stuff everyone else does and mine is so boring. Am I really just a very boring person?

But, when all is said and done, I really can't stop myself. As I said in the poem I wrote, I tried to rub out my face but I couldn't and as Anais Nin said: "The time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Blessings to everyone in your creative endeavors. You are loved!

Friday, July 10, 2009


July 10th 2009

Didn't feel creative today. I have a bad habit of when I start something I go at it for hours and then don't feel like it the next day.

I have been contemplating today what to do about my creativity. I would love to make crazy quilts, looking at other people's makes my heart sing, they are so organic and have so much texture and colour, all the things I love. However, finding the elements I need is proving to be a challenge in this city. No one sells silk ribbon to make flowers, finding lace is going to be another challenge and everything is so spread out, as I said yesterday, I will have to spend hours travelling. It is going to be very expensive to build up a stock of fabrics, theads and embellishments, that's if I can even find them, so I don't know whether to carry on with it or not.

I have also realized that everything I do has a huge learning curve for me because I have not really developed my artistic skills over my lifetime and everything is self-taught and from books. It can be very frustrating at times - like yesterday trying to learn the embroidery stitches. I watched this video over and over, the woman was demonstrating how to do the stitch so I was standing with my back to the tv trying to follow her because I couldn't do it looking at it reversed. LOL

It seems that everything I would like to try requires a large amount of money to get going. I have hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies but always seem to need something new. I live in a studio apartment, half of it is living space and half of it is my studio. If I got rid of all my art supplies, my apartment would be almost empty.

I have learned over the past fifteen years that material possessions are not important and so my needs are few. I live very simply and am content with that.

When my life as I knew it ended fifteen years ago, my desire to be an artist - a dream since childhood - was all I felt I had left, so it has been a bit frightening to contemplate what would be left if I didn't have my art. Maybe that's why I have a struggle creating. Who and what would I be? What would I do all day if I wasn't thinking about creating something, looking through my art books, actually creating and going in search of something new.

I have so many mixed feelings and feel like I need to decide which direction to take, financially and for my own sanity.

Oh, for a studio with a station for computer and printer, one for sewing, one for painting and one for working with paper. A huge stock of fabrics, threads, embellishments, and many different kinds of papers. Delicious.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

July 9th 2009

I feel like my brain has turned to mush tonight, can't seem to make a decision about anything. I spent the day working on ONE front pouch. So slow making decisions about what is the right thing to do with it. It shouldn,t take too much longer to finish it. I think the next ones will go easier. Although I have quite a few supplies they are limited in terms of colours. You can never have too many options to choose from. It would be fun to be in a store that had all the supplies and you could go and choose the ones you wanted. I suppose then you would be spoiled for choice and be overwhelmed.

I have an idea what do with my wrecked journal and just have to find the time to do it. I will post it when it's done.

I have been creating in one way or another every day but have nothing finished to show for it. But I am being productive! Shopping for supplies in Vancouver is a major event as everything in spread out and I use public transit. Yesterday I left home just after twelve noon and didn't get home until five thirty. I only went to two stores! It took an hour to get to the first one and then I had to work my way back going to the second store on the way. Crazy city living. When I read of Rose's travels around Cornwall I long for the quiet and solitiude of the country. Pat Winter's website http://www.patwintergatherings.com/ is my ideal place to live. It is so beautiful, I long to be in natures and out of all the concrete and glass and noise. However, if I have to live in the city this is one of the quietest places to live I'm grateful for that.

I've got So You Think You Can Dance is on. I absolutely love Brandon and was so upset when he didn't get through to the top twenty last year. I am so enjoying him this year. What an amazing talent!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

July 7th 2009

I haven't been feeling to well the past few days, I bought a puri-patch detoxification kit and it really didn't suit me, so it took a few days for it to work out of my system.

Today I started making crazy quilt pouches and it took all day to just do four fronts. It's very time consuming going through the fabric and picking the right colours and textures. I'm sure it will be quicker when I get more practiced. I'm looking forward to embellishing them now.

I well and truly wrecked my journal a couple of days ago. I took it in the shower and then decided I would just rip it up. I didn't want to make a paper chain, eat something colourful and lick the page,etc. - I just didn't want to do it and I really wanted to break the spine up, so I did. I'm sure there must be something really significant in taking this destructive action but it hasn't come to me yet.

Friday, July 3, 2009

July 3rd 2009

Today, I learned how to put pictures in my posts instead of in the sidebar. I also learned how to edit my posts and correct errors - I made so many yesterday with blog addresses. As I said before I love learning something new!
Yesterday, I went for fish and chips with a friend, they were really gross, very greasy but I did enjoy visiting with my friend and the weather was beautiful so all in all it was a nice day. I took pictuAdd Imageres of a condo comlex beside the seawall with the waterlillies blooming - an oasis in the city.
Okay, so now how do I remove the duplicate??? Ha! Ha! The learning curve goes on! Thanks Mel for telling me how - it's gone.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

July 2nd 2009

I have been thinking about who to send the awards on to and have finally decided. First of all, the One Lovely Blog Award has some guidlelines:

1. Post picture link back to person who honoured you. Sorry, I don't know how to do this but it was Mel at http://cluttertoshine.blogspot.com/

2. Pass on the honour to deserving persons whose blogs you have just discovered.

3. Leave a note informing aforementioned recipients of your bloggy award.

For this award I have chosen:


These blogs are beautiful and colourful and I love aquamaureen twirling in her orange dress.

For the Watermelon #10 Award I have chosen:

l. Mel for her three blogs http://creativeclutter-mel.blogspot.com/
because she is such a great Mom and is so creative, funny and supportive and has attitude.

2. Rose for her two blogs http://livingwiccy.blogspot.com/
because she is so insightful, thoughtful and creative.

3. HybridJ for her blog http://hybridj.blogspot.com/
because she works so diligently at her writing, took time off when she needed to and is now back in the swing of it and is willing to do less blogging and more writing because that is what works for her.

4. Rowena for her blog http://warriorgirl.blogspot.com/
because she started the 100 in 100 challenge to create every day for 100 days and even though I haven't kept up, I have created more in the past month than I ever have in that period of time before.

So thank you to Mel and MaryEllen for giving me the awards and I pass them on with best wishes for happy creating and joyful living.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

July 1st 2009

It's Canada Day today but I didn't do anything to celebrate. I really don't like crowds so I stayed home and enjoyed watching all the people walk by, except when I went up to London Drugs to get photo paper. It was so quiet, hardly any traffic. I spent the morning printing off photos for a friend who bought them from me. I ran out of paper and while I was at London Drugs I asked the salesperson if he could show me how to put photos onto my memory card from my laptop so I could print the photos on my PhotoSmart printer. It was very quiet so he agreed to show me. I am so pleased that I can now print the scanned photos from my old film camera on the PhotoSmart. They are much better quality than my 3 in 1 Epson printer. It's always exciting to learn something new. Anyway, that all took all day (I had to stop for sushi and a latte') so I didn't have time to paint or sew. Everything seems to take so much time. It is such a complement and very affirming to my work to have someone buy my photos and photo cards.

I am feeling more content with my life in the past couple of months than I ever have before. Finally, I feel I am more accepting of where and who I am. I wrote a poem about this in August 2002, it is called:


One day I decided
To wipe out my face
To become NOBODY

A decision made
From unbearable

I want to be
Someone else

Walk out of my life
Leave it all behind

Start over
As someone else

Disillusioned, disappointed
Stripped of all dignity

I belong

Being a woman
Getting old


Wiping out my face
Has not been so easy


Maybe who I AM
Is not who I have become

Maybe I AM
Just living the wrong life

Maybe I AM
Carefree and adventurous

Maybe I AM
Beautiful and brave

Maybe I AM
Strong and powerful

Maybe I AM
Playful and funny
Beneath the pain
That colours my life grey

The shroud
Of the past

That distorts
Who I AM

Makes me believe
I am
Who I have become

Maybe I can
Rub out the face

Of who
I have become

Keep my
Original face


Just be

I didn't realize until just now that this poem fits in with the July theme of SELF with Creative Every Day. Sometimes it's good to read old writings to realize how far we have come in terms of healing and growth.