June 20 2009

As tired as I was last night, I made this picture in my art journal. I started it about 10:30 and it didn't take long which pleased me because I usually dither and fuss. The was quick and effortless and fun. Nice way to end my day.

My neighbour came home from the hospital yesterday but she is not feeling well and is talking of moving to be with her son and daughter-in-law in another city. It is so difficult to have to give up your life as you know it, at the age of 86, and go to fit in with someone elses life and be dependent on them when you have been staunchly independent all of your life. I dread the day that may happen to me. Speaking of change, it can be so hard sometimes and the past fifteen years of my life seem to be about loss and moving on to something different, when you don't know what that different is and your options are limited, it can be a real challenge to stay positive about life and not become bitter and angry. It is not in my nature to be bitter and angry and I do not want to give it room in my life, so I will continue to paint and journal and create as a panacea.

I have a lovely book call Gardens Of Our Souls that consists of letters written between two friends who have a love of gardening. One of them wrote about bitterness: "The very word is like something that is spat out, a nasty taste that must be eradicated before any other flavour can be admitted or savoured."

".....mental pain, misery, resentment, virulent feelings, harshness, sharpness and piercing cold. Bitterness is like a scream unscreamed, something acrid and sinister blocking the throat. Yet this powerful emotion is essential to our lives, pleasure is all the more real and wonderful the memory of how it felt to be bitter and miserable."

"Sometimes being a woman makes it harder to deal with bitterness. We've been raised to avoid confrontation, to keep the peace, placate and offer compromise. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, an analyst and storyteller writes: 'There is a time when a woman has to make a decision - possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life - about whether to be bitter or not.' According to Estes, once we have given voice to all the old hurts, acknowledged the disappointments and mourned them properly then we can return to our instinctual core and move on."

It seems to me this is an on-going challenge from day to day because the one thing we can count on in life is change, loss and disappoinment. Many things have changed in my life sinces last September. The death of my estranged brother, the death of my ex-husband and father of my children and major changes in some important relationships that have been very hurtful. And so the challenge is to fill my life with laughter, beauty, and positive change on a daily basis. Like CREATING EVERY DAY!

Sorry to be maudlin and depressing but it really helps to put it down and out of my head and heart. I think todays journal entry will be about bitternes and hurt and moving on - something like that.