THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PICTURE OF ME AS A CHILD. I'M PROBABLY ABOUT SEVEN YEARS OLD AND I AM WEARING ONE OF MY FAVOURITE DRESSES MADE BY MY MOM.Got a call from my friend from Kelowna at 11:15 this morning, and she was in town. We met at Granville Island and spent the afternoon together sharing some very personal stuff like we never have before. We have know each other for over twenty years and she is such a special person. She has kept in touch with me over the years even though I haven't been very good at calling or writing her. When I go to Kelowna she has me stay with her and when I have been there time when she has been out of town, has allowed me to use her car. She really is a true friend.
I read Week 9: Recovering A Sense Of Compassion in The Artist's Way this morning and had some insights that I think are going to be very healing. Her description of the difference between discipline and enthusiasm. Discipline is about being driven and working from will-power and turns art into being about discipline rather than the creativity. Enthusiasm is an ongoing energy JC says, and is about play not work.
I love JC's description of our artist within being our inner playmate, and getting up in the morning to create and to do it with a child's love of adventure and a playdate with our artist child. "I'll meet you at 6AM and we'll goof around with that painting" or whatever it is you do. Treat your work as play. I really wish I could learn this. I am getting better at it but I want toconnect with that "feeling" of playfulness.
The most important thing I felt this morning was a connection with the feeling in my body of who I was in my family of origin. I realized my mom, dad and brother didn't want me to be successful, all for very different reasons. There was an unwritten rule that I wasn't to be more successful than my dad or my brother or better than them at anything. I must keep my place as a "woman" subordinate to the men in my family.
I read Week 9: Recovering A Sense Of Compassion in The Artist's Way this morning and had some insights that I think are going to be very healing. Her description of the difference between discipline and enthusiasm. Discipline is about being driven and working from will-power and turns art into being about discipline rather than the creativity. Enthusiasm is an ongoing energy JC says, and is about play not work.
I love JC's description of our artist within being our inner playmate, and getting up in the morning to create and to do it with a child's love of adventure and a playdate with our artist child. "I'll meet you at 6AM and we'll goof around with that painting" or whatever it is you do. Treat your work as play. I really wish I could learn this. I am getting better at it but I want toconnect with that "feeling" of playfulness.
The most important thing I felt this morning was a connection with the feeling in my body of who I was in my family of origin. I realized my mom, dad and brother didn't want me to be successful, all for very different reasons. There was an unwritten rule that I wasn't to be more successful than my dad or my brother or better than them at anything. I must keep my place as a "woman" subordinate to the men in my family.
Being successful, letting my light shine means leaving my family and being different, not belonging, because I have broken the rules. If I am to be an artist, I have to rebel/leave my family. I have to be DIFFERENT from them, I've always known I am anyway. I don't mean leave them physically, they have all passed away now, I mean leaving them emotionally. I have been afraid to be successful. I have stayed the frightened little girl emotionally, afraid of hurting my mom, wanting to be accepted by my "clan". They left me a long time ago and they didn't honour me/see me or support me. They oppressed me and very nearly destroyed the best parts of me.
None of this is meant to bash my family. I loved them and still do but I need to see and tell the truth about what happened to me and how it affected me. I have know these things mentally for a long time but this time I "feel" it. I understand emotionally how much it hurt me. Iwrote something before, I think it was on the Artist's Way message board about whether or not that empty feelling inside - of not being seen, not being supported and nurtured to be the real person you are - ever goes away. That feeling that something is missing and of not being complete because your parents didn't see you as special or talented and didn't champion you. I think I may have connected with that. I hope so.
I have not really connected with my inner child before, she seemed to be very deeply hidden but seeing her as my playmate makes me smile, maybe that will shift too.
Such an interesting book, The Artist's Way.
None of this is meant to bash my family. I loved them and still do but I need to see and tell the truth about what happened to me and how it affected me. I have know these things mentally for a long time but this time I "feel" it. I understand emotionally how much it hurt me. Iwrote something before, I think it was on the Artist's Way message board about whether or not that empty feelling inside - of not being seen, not being supported and nurtured to be the real person you are - ever goes away. That feeling that something is missing and of not being complete because your parents didn't see you as special or talented and didn't champion you. I think I may have connected with that. I hope so.
I have not really connected with my inner child before, she seemed to be very deeply hidden but seeing her as my playmate makes me smile, maybe that will shift too.
Such an interesting book, The Artist's Way.
Leone, I've just caught up with your last few posts - it seems you are doing some valuable work and reflection. I tried to do some connection with inner child at an earlier point - it doesn't seem like I spend much time anymore being playful or having fun. It's exciting to see you exploring that - good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mary Ellen, we really do get caught up in the adult world don't we, all serious and everything. It would be nice to be one of those people who just "knows" how to play.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by.
I'm so impressed of your inner self work! It took a lot of courage and strength to be so honest with oneself. I hope I can do it. A heartfelt thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIn case you missed it, I have written a reply on your other question about zentangle on your 5 Sept post.
I understand this I think. My sister and I were to be equal, even though I was very academic. My prizes and things were never talked about openly really. I have discovered my successes don't mean much to me because I don't know how to value them....
ReplyDeleteHaving friends such as this lady is such a gift!
What honesty and power in your posts Leone.
ReplyDeleteI have fallen way behind in TAW - you have been working through so many issues. How great that is.
When I can play and have time to creat - I love it! kEEP ON PLAYING.