June 30th 2009
I have received two lovely awards in the past week - thank you Mary Ellen and Mel. I feel so honoured! I have been working on my picture, taking my time and enjoying it. I do a little every day. I have my sewing machine out and have gathered some fabric and trimmings to make some little bags. I like lots of variety in my creativity and am looking forward to doing something different.
I spent Sunday feeling sad, frustrated, angry and just about every other emotion you can think of. Talked to both of my daughters and woke up Monday feeling like it was all over and I had moved on from the upset of the weekend. Moved on. I will be there for my daughters if they need to talk but I am finished with that part of my life. It will always be there but it doesn't have the power to upset me for any length of time.
All during December, January and February I had this terrible sense of forboding, I had no idea why and I was feeling rather frightened by it. Now, five months later I feel my life crashing around me yet again. My most important relationships are changing, I have no idea where they are going and it's pretty unsettling, however, I feel stronger now than when my life has crashed around me in the past. Change! Always change! Where will it take me this time?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
June 27th 2009
Today was the scattering of ashes of my ex-husband. I decided not to go because there was really no reason to go - I felt no need of closure, that came years ago. It has caused a lot of pain for my two daughters and his three daughters from a previous marriage that, because of circumstances, I have never met. It amazing how choices you made forty-seven years ago can come back to haunt you. Amazing how a death can open up a huge can of worms and bring forth new information that is both validating and eye-opening and can make you shake your head at your own youthful naivety and sense of trust of blind trust. Fortunately, I have done enough emotional work that it is not affecting me only minimally but I feel sad for my daughters and his three daughters for what they still have to deal with. It's amazing how much pain and destruction one person create in their life-time.
Myself and two of my neighbours held a yard sale today to make some money for our social club. We did very well and had lots of fun. There were many people on the seawall today and they stopped to peruse our wonderful bargains and chat. A dog-walker with six afghan hounds, who had been walking the seawall with his dogs for many years, came by and we got to pet the dogs and some people took photographs. We had a cut little school desk painted blue and purple and a lady came up and said "I don't believe this." Apparently she had painted the little desk her daughter's favourite colours and when her daughter ourgrew it she sold it in a yard sale. So was so pleased to see it in this little serendipidous moment.
We were having so much fun we stayed out until after
four when a cold gusty wind came up and it was time to go in. It was really great to connect with neighbours, visitors from Ontario who bought some of my photo cards and strangers from who knows where. A very enjoyable day.
The neighbour I have been helping since she went into hospital two weeks ago gave a me a gift cerificate for $100 for flowers from our neighbourhood shop, so I can go in throughout the next few months a get flowers. Each time I will think of her, as she is moving away in August to live with her son. I will miss her.
I haven't done much creatively but have prepared a canvas and chosen a picture to paint so I will be working on that over the next two or three days.
My last art journal - shown above - is of a tattoo I have on my inside left arm just above my wrist. I did the entry to re-affirm my quest for a free spirit. It didn't photograph very well, the colours are actually very pretty. The wreaths are hung on my door and I change them on the solstices and equinoxes as my way of celebrating the change of seasons. My small pagan ritual.
Today was the scattering of ashes of my ex-husband. I decided not to go because there was really no reason to go - I felt no need of closure, that came years ago. It has caused a lot of pain for my two daughters and his three daughters from a previous marriage that, because of circumstances, I have never met. It amazing how choices you made forty-seven years ago can come back to haunt you. Amazing how a death can open up a huge can of worms and bring forth new information that is both validating and eye-opening and can make you shake your head at your own youthful naivety and sense of trust of blind trust. Fortunately, I have done enough emotional work that it is not affecting me only minimally but I feel sad for my daughters and his three daughters for what they still have to deal with. It's amazing how much pain and destruction one person create in their life-time.
Myself and two of my neighbours held a yard sale today to make some money for our social club. We did very well and had lots of fun. There were many people on the seawall today and they stopped to peruse our wonderful bargains and chat. A dog-walker with six afghan hounds, who had been walking the seawall with his dogs for many years, came by and we got to pet the dogs and some people took photographs. We had a cut little school desk painted blue and purple and a lady came up and said "I don't believe this." Apparently she had painted the little desk her daughter's favourite colours and when her daughter ourgrew it she sold it in a yard sale. So was so pleased to see it in this little serendipidous moment.
We were having so much fun we stayed out until after
four when a cold gusty wind came up and it was time to go in. It was really great to connect with neighbours, visitors from Ontario who bought some of my photo cards and strangers from who knows where. A very enjoyable day.
The neighbour I have been helping since she went into hospital two weeks ago gave a me a gift cerificate for $100 for flowers from our neighbourhood shop, so I can go in throughout the next few months a get flowers. Each time I will think of her, as she is moving away in August to live with her son. I will miss her.
I haven't done much creatively but have prepared a canvas and chosen a picture to paint so I will be working on that over the next two or three days.
My last art journal - shown above - is of a tattoo I have on my inside left arm just above my wrist. I did the entry to re-affirm my quest for a free spirit. It didn't photograph very well, the colours are actually very pretty. The wreaths are hung on my door and I change them on the solstices and equinoxes as my way of celebrating the change of seasons. My small pagan ritual.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
June 24th 2009
Well, the critic finally caught up to me. I kept way in the background for two weeks and then there it was. Looking at other people's blogs, at their creative destruction of their journals and all the beautiful art and decided that my art is childish and uncreative and my journal wrecking is boring and unimaginative and I have just came to a standstill.
In addition to this, my ex-husband's ash scattering is this weekend and I, for some unknown reason, decided I would go. This opened a can of worms that would have been better not being opened and it also opened some of the wounds from my time with him that are always there but way in the distance. The wounds are healed but the scars seem to be there forever it seems.
Along with helping my neighbour and getting involved with the newsletter and the social club in the building I have become a little overwhelmed and uncentered. So, today I need to get myself centered again and finish the art journal page I started the other day. I liked the background and didn't want to cover it up and sat for a couple of hours trying to decide what to do and couldn't decide on anything because the critic was there trashing everything I thought of. So, I am just going to go with something today and that will be it.
My destructive inner critic has controlled my creativity for so long I will not let it win this time.
Well, the critic finally caught up to me. I kept way in the background for two weeks and then there it was. Looking at other people's blogs, at their creative destruction of their journals and all the beautiful art and decided that my art is childish and uncreative and my journal wrecking is boring and unimaginative and I have just came to a standstill.
In addition to this, my ex-husband's ash scattering is this weekend and I, for some unknown reason, decided I would go. This opened a can of worms that would have been better not being opened and it also opened some of the wounds from my time with him that are always there but way in the distance. The wounds are healed but the scars seem to be there forever it seems.
Along with helping my neighbour and getting involved with the newsletter and the social club in the building I have become a little overwhelmed and uncentered. So, today I need to get myself centered again and finish the art journal page I started the other day. I liked the background and didn't want to cover it up and sat for a couple of hours trying to decide what to do and couldn't decide on anything because the critic was there trashing everything I thought of. So, I am just going to go with something today and that will be it.
My destructive inner critic has controlled my creativity for so long I will not let it win this time.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
June 20 2009
As tired as I was last night, I made this picture in my art journal. I started it about 10:30 and it didn't take long which pleased me because I usually dither and fuss. The was quick and effortless and fun. Nice way to end my day.
My neighbour came home from the hospital yesterday but she is not feeling well and is talking of moving to be with her son and daughter-in-law in another city. It is so difficult to have to give up your life as you know it, at the age of 86, and go to fit in with someone elses life and be dependent on them when you have been staunchly independent all of your life. I dread the day that may happen to me. Speaking of change, it can be so hard sometimes and the past fifteen years of my life seem to be about loss and moving on to something different, when you don't know what that different is and your options are limited, it can be a real challenge to stay positive about life and not become bitter and angry. It is not in my nature to be bitter and angry and I do not want to give it room in my life, so I will continue to paint and journal and create as a panacea.
I have a lovely book call Gardens Of Our Souls that consists of letters written between two friends who have a love of gardening. One of them wrote about bitterness: "The very word is like something that is spat out, a nasty taste that must be eradicated before any other flavour can be admitted or savoured."
".....mental pain, misery, resentment, virulent feelings, harshness, sharpness and piercing cold. Bitterness is like a scream unscreamed, something acrid and sinister blocking the throat. Yet this powerful emotion is essential to our lives, pleasure is all the more real and wonderful the memory of how it felt to be bitter and miserable."
"Sometimes being a woman makes it harder to deal with bitterness. We've been raised to avoid confrontation, to keep the peace, placate and offer compromise. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, an analyst and storyteller writes: 'There is a time when a woman has to make a decision - possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life - about whether to be bitter or not.' According to Estes, once we have given voice to all the old hurts, acknowledged the disappointments and mourned them properly then we can return to our instinctual core and move on."
It seems to me this is an on-going challenge from day to day because the one thing we can count on in life is change, loss and disappoinment. Many things have changed in my life sinces last September. The death of my estranged brother, the death of my ex-husband and father of my children and major changes in some important relationships that have been very hurtful. And so the challenge is to fill my life with laughter, beauty, and positive change on a daily basis. Like CREATING EVERY DAY!
Sorry to be maudlin and depressing but it really helps to put it down and out of my head and heart. I think todays journal entry will be about bitternes and hurt and moving on - something like that.
As tired as I was last night, I made this picture in my art journal. I started it about 10:30 and it didn't take long which pleased me because I usually dither and fuss. The was quick and effortless and fun. Nice way to end my day.
My neighbour came home from the hospital yesterday but she is not feeling well and is talking of moving to be with her son and daughter-in-law in another city. It is so difficult to have to give up your life as you know it, at the age of 86, and go to fit in with someone elses life and be dependent on them when you have been staunchly independent all of your life. I dread the day that may happen to me. Speaking of change, it can be so hard sometimes and the past fifteen years of my life seem to be about loss and moving on to something different, when you don't know what that different is and your options are limited, it can be a real challenge to stay positive about life and not become bitter and angry. It is not in my nature to be bitter and angry and I do not want to give it room in my life, so I will continue to paint and journal and create as a panacea.
I have a lovely book call Gardens Of Our Souls that consists of letters written between two friends who have a love of gardening. One of them wrote about bitterness: "The very word is like something that is spat out, a nasty taste that must be eradicated before any other flavour can be admitted or savoured."
".....mental pain, misery, resentment, virulent feelings, harshness, sharpness and piercing cold. Bitterness is like a scream unscreamed, something acrid and sinister blocking the throat. Yet this powerful emotion is essential to our lives, pleasure is all the more real and wonderful the memory of how it felt to be bitter and miserable."
"Sometimes being a woman makes it harder to deal with bitterness. We've been raised to avoid confrontation, to keep the peace, placate and offer compromise. Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, an analyst and storyteller writes: 'There is a time when a woman has to make a decision - possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life - about whether to be bitter or not.' According to Estes, once we have given voice to all the old hurts, acknowledged the disappointments and mourned them properly then we can return to our instinctual core and move on."
It seems to me this is an on-going challenge from day to day because the one thing we can count on in life is change, loss and disappoinment. Many things have changed in my life sinces last September. The death of my estranged brother, the death of my ex-husband and father of my children and major changes in some important relationships that have been very hurtful. And so the challenge is to fill my life with laughter, beauty, and positive change on a daily basis. Like CREATING EVERY DAY!
Sorry to be maudlin and depressing but it really helps to put it down and out of my head and heart. I think todays journal entry will be about bitternes and hurt and moving on - something like that.
Friday, June 19, 2009
June 19 2009
I have done another art journal entry and even struggled with that. Inspiration is just not there. Oh well, tomorrow's another day. My neighbour is coming home from the hospital tomorrow so I am going to pick her up at 10:00 am. I hope she can manage on her own still.
I threw my Wreck This Journal under three different buses before I got it right and the whole thing got run over. I was surprised and a little disappointed and how little damage occurred - just some indents where the rocks on the road stuck in. I found lots of circles for the circle page and had fun doing that and colouring outside the lines felt pretty rebellious. Just trying to play these days and relax a little before I start on my canvasses again.
I have done another art journal entry and even struggled with that. Inspiration is just not there. Oh well, tomorrow's another day. My neighbour is coming home from the hospital tomorrow so I am going to pick her up at 10:00 am. I hope she can manage on her own still.
I threw my Wreck This Journal under three different buses before I got it right and the whole thing got run over. I was surprised and a little disappointed and how little damage occurred - just some indents where the rocks on the road stuck in. I found lots of circles for the circle page and had fun doing that and colouring outside the lines felt pretty rebellious. Just trying to play these days and relax a little before I start on my canvasses again.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
June 17 2009
I just did an art journal page today to take the pressure off and just play. I also put modeling past on five canvasses in preparation for some more creative endeavors.
I went up to the hospital today to visit my neighbour and then went and watered her plants and throw away stuff from the fridge. She doesn't know, yet, when she will be home. Growing old can be very difficult sometimes. Her son lives up in the interior, all her long-time friends are in nursing homes or have passed away. There are quite a few people in this apartment building who are basically alone in this world. It is very sad when they need help and there is no one to advocate for them. Neighbours are very good about helping out and doing what they can. Good health and family are such blessings. My neighbour's son and daughter-in-law sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for helping out. It is lovely - I so enjoy having flowers in my home.
I am going to write a monthly newsletter for the building to try to revitalize our community spirit that got stifled by our new property managers. The man who used to do it has lymphoma so is no long able to put it together. My lovely daughter, Roxane, has offered to print it for us at her work for a nominal sum. This kind of fits in with the Creative Every Day theme of sound. The newsletter gives a voice to the residents of the building. We print photos, poems, writing, etc. It should be fun.
I just did an art journal page today to take the pressure off and just play. I also put modeling past on five canvasses in preparation for some more creative endeavors.
I went up to the hospital today to visit my neighbour and then went and watered her plants and throw away stuff from the fridge. She doesn't know, yet, when she will be home. Growing old can be very difficult sometimes. Her son lives up in the interior, all her long-time friends are in nursing homes or have passed away. There are quite a few people in this apartment building who are basically alone in this world. It is very sad when they need help and there is no one to advocate for them. Neighbours are very good about helping out and doing what they can. Good health and family are such blessings. My neighbour's son and daughter-in-law sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for helping out. It is lovely - I so enjoy having flowers in my home.
I am going to write a monthly newsletter for the building to try to revitalize our community spirit that got stifled by our new property managers. The man who used to do it has lymphoma so is no long able to put it together. My lovely daughter, Roxane, has offered to print it for us at her work for a nominal sum. This kind of fits in with the Creative Every Day theme of sound. The newsletter gives a voice to the residents of the building. We print photos, poems, writing, etc. It should be fun.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
June 16 2009
It has taken me a few days to paint this one. I went to the hospital with my neighbour at 4am on Saturday morning and have been visiting her every day since. I find when I have disruptions in my routine like this it takes me time to get grounded again, although I only missed painting on Saturday. This is a picture that I drew and did a rough watercolour of a few years ago and so enjoyed doing an actual painting of it. I consider all these pictures as practice and I am sure my skills will improve over time.
I am behind about four days on the 100 x 100 challenge and I am disappointed about this but am happy that I have completed as many pieces as I have. I usually get about two thirds of the way through a project and then give up because it's no good or I don't know how to finish it. So this is a great breakthough for me and oh, horror of horrors, I am not perfect! Gasp!!!
It has taken me a few days to paint this one. I went to the hospital with my neighbour at 4am on Saturday morning and have been visiting her every day since. I find when I have disruptions in my routine like this it takes me time to get grounded again, although I only missed painting on Saturday. This is a picture that I drew and did a rough watercolour of a few years ago and so enjoyed doing an actual painting of it. I consider all these pictures as practice and I am sure my skills will improve over time.
I am behind about four days on the 100 x 100 challenge and I am disappointed about this but am happy that I have completed as many pieces as I have. I usually get about two thirds of the way through a project and then give up because it's no good or I don't know how to finish it. So this is a great breakthough for me and oh, horror of horrors, I am not perfect! Gasp!!!
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